A Normal Day in the Weasley Household
by Jedi Goat
Summary: Bill comes home after his first year of Hogwarts, only to take part in a havoc filled first day back. George is obsessed with gnomes, Mr Weasley's muggle stuff goes wrong, and more! It's all in a normal day for the Weasleys. Coauthored by Tru.


**A Normal Day in the Weasley Household**

Co-authored by Jedi Goat and Tru

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Mr. Bean, Monty Python, Alex Rider, or Cheaper by the Dozen.

Author's Note: This story is the random result of Tru and Jedi Goat's strange, hyper minds. Enjoy, and beware your sanity...

---------------------------------------

Bill stretched in his bed, waking up for the first time in one year in the Burrow. It felt good to be back at home. He looked around his room in the early morning sunlight, savoring it all.

A familiar aroma abruptly caught Bill's attention. He smiled. How could he ever forget the smell of his mother's fresh made pancakes, the ones she made nearly every morning? He slowly rose up from his bed, taking his time. He didn't bother getting dressed, not even combing his hair.

Bill had barely started descending the staircase that winded throughout the home when he nearly got run over by his hyper 4 year old siblings, Fred and George.

"I bet I'll beat'cha to the pancakes!" boasted Fred to George.

"Oh yeah?" countered George. "I've been training with the gnomes!"

"How can you train with gnomes?" wondered Bill.

"You race 'em!' chanted George.

"Whatever," said Fred. "Let's just get downstairs!"

As the twins raced down the stairs, Bill could just hear them talking to each other:

"Hey! I think Bill was on the stairs!"

"He wasn't! You just want me to lose the race!"

"No! He really was there!"

"Does this mean that we can't put gnomes in Percy's bedroom anymore?"

Bill grinned and rolled his eyes. Better not tell Percy that, he thought.

Before Bill could go downstairs, the door across the hall opened and Charlie, bleary-eyed and tousled-haired, staggered out onto the landing.

"Hey, Charlie," called Bill.

His brother only nodded in response; Charlie wasn't a morning person. He turned toward the enticing smell of pancakes and headed downstairs.

Now Bill finally had the sense to go downstairs before his brothers gobbled all the pancakes. He arrived in the sunlight-warmed kitchen, where the rest of his family bustled about. Mrs. Weasley was fixing breakfast; Mr. Weasley was reading the Daily Prophet at the head of the table; baby Ginny giggled and babbled, perched in her high chair; Charlie was slumped in his chair, half-asleep; and the twins seemed to be spiking his orange juice.

Bill hooked a chair with his foot and sat next to Charlie; Fred (or was it George?) flashed him a smile and slunk away. Ginny gurgled and waved a tiny hand at him.

Bill smiled. Yep, this was his crazy but loveable family. It felt good to be back home for the summer. He had currently finished his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the first of the seven children to do so. Although school had been a welcome escape from the constant action at home, after a while Bill came to miss the Burrow's warmth and busy atmosphere.

Mrs. Weasley caught sight of her eldest son and hurried toward him. "Good morning, Bill, dear. Did you have a good sleep?" She pecked him on the forehead.

Bill drew back, making a face. "Mum!"

Mrs. Weasley sighed and shook her head. "My, you grow up so fast…" She ran a hand through his bright red hair. "Your hair is getting so long, Bill. Why don't I give you a haircut-?"

"No!" he cried, ducking his head. Anything but that! Bill liked his hair long; it had taken all year for it to just reach the top of his shoulders.

"Hey, Mum!" cried Fred/George. "I can cut it for you!"

"Or get the gnomes to cut it!" added the other twin. "Or just get them to eat it off. Whatever's easier."

Mrs. Weasley strolled over to where Charlie was almost sleeping. "Pretty soon you'll be going off to Hogwarts too, Charlie! When were you two ever young?"

"Yes, I know, Mum," mumbled Charlie. "Just let me sleep."

"You're already acting like a teenager, too," added Mrs. Weasley half-sarcastically.

"You know, Mum," Bill addressed, "I think I know what I might do when I grow up."

"Me too! I'm gonna work with the Ministry!" shouted six-year old Percy.

Suddenly George started crying. "No! I don't want Percy to work for the Ministry!"

"Yeah, he's already too much of a git," added Fred. "Bill, _pleeeeeeeeeeeeease_ don't say you want to work for the Ministry."

"Now where did you learn that word?" screeched Mrs. Weasley, pointing her finger at Fred. "You know better than to call your brother a git!"

"But he is!" protested Fred.

"Percy, if you do work with the law," said Mr. Weasley, "there are a few things I would like to see change. The Wizarding World really needs to use Muggle objects more often. They are fascinating things, you know."

Bill rolled his eyes as Mr. Weasley eagerly began his Muggle-loving spiel. Percy clambered up onto a chair beside him.

"I wanna be Minister of Magic!" Percy declared proudly. "And I'll make just good laws, not bad laws, and – and – I'll outlaw them!" he finished stubbornly, pointing at Fred and George.

Mr. Weasley chuckled, missing the twins sticking out their tongues at Percy. "You do that, Percy."

Percy raised his head and crossed his arms, glaring at the twins.

Beside Bill, Charlie's head hit the table with a resounding THUD, and he began to snore. As Mrs. Weasley turned to reprimand him instead, Fred and George disappeared under the table, prolonging the time until their punishment.

Upstairs, Ron let out a wail at being left alone in bed. Mrs. Weasley hustled upstairs with a cluck of her tongue. In the oblivion Bill noticed something: the smell of something…burning.

In sudden realization, Bill vaulted wide-eyed from his seat and ran to the stove. The pancakes and eggs were sizzling to a crisp.

From years of watching his mother, Bill knew what to do. He whipped out his wand, tapping the magical stove.

A plume of smoke rose into the air, and quickly Bill murmured a dousing spell.

Too late.

An alarm triggered and screamed; then a muggle contraption installed by Mr. Weasley called 'the sprinkler system' went off.

Water spouted from the ceiling, rapidly spraying down the entire room. Bill stood by the stove, in shock and dripping wet. Taking cover beneath the table, the twins shrieked with glee, while Percy yelped and cowered. Ginny covered her ears at the sound and wailed, as Mr. Weasley despairingly tried to comfort her. Charlie slept through it all.

Mrs. Weasley appeared downstairs with young Ron in her arms. She quickly took in the scene, and by the look on her face Bill knew she was gearing up for an explosive telling-off.

Discreetly he shuffled away from the blackened remains of their breakfast as water continued to drip everywhere.

"You see," pointed out Mr. Weasley, "Muggle objects are fascinating."

"Yeah," mumbled Bill to himself. "Very fascinating."

_I guess I might as well degnome the garden, _Bill thought. _George is getting obsessed with them. _He pushed open the door to the backyard. Too_ obsessed._

Suddenly he felt something hit his head. Then another. And another! And et cetera!

He reached into his hair and pulled out…a Bertie Bott Every Flavor Bean?

"Okay, why did Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans fall in my hair?" Bill shouted. Suddenly, he heard a sound. It was the gnomes' theme song, sung to the tune of the Chicken Dance!

_"Throw candy in the air_

_Run around in circles_

_And shake your butt!"_

He heard a small rumbling sound that seemed to come from one of the gnome holes. Then, approximately 100000000000000000000000000 (a.k.a. big number) gnomes charged out of their gnome hole and rammed into Bill with their large, potato-shaped heads.

Bill soon learned that the gnomes had divided themselves into several groups. One group was shaking their butts at Bill. While he was processing this information and being disturbed, another group would stand on one another's shoulders, angled in such a way that all the gnomes could shake their butts at Bill. A third group would climb up the line of gnomes and jump onto Bill's head. Half of this group would grab the candy from his hair and throw it to other gnomes on the ground. These gnomes would then store the candy in the gnome hole. The other half of the gnomes on Bill's head would mercilessly rip off his hair, all the while tap-dancing unrelatedly. Bill ran away, screaming in terror of losing all his long hair and in disturbingness. Finally Bill burst into the kitchen.

"Introducing," announced George, "the new and improved Bill, courtesy of the gnomes!"

Bill suddenly remembered that gnomes were all over Hogwarts. He felt like banging his head. He felt like banging his head to Bang Your Head. He felt so stupid! Why didn't he try to repel the gnomes with spells!?

"I'm going to kill you, George!" he screamed.

"If you can catch me!" shrieked George in delight.

With that he raced up the stairs.

"That training with the gnomes sure was handy! Thank you, gnomes! This is a good day for gnomedom!"

Now even Fred was beginning to think his twin was going insane. Mrs. Weasley thought the same; handing Ron to Mr. Weasley, she raced up the stairs after George and Bill.

Just ahead of her, she saw the door to the twins' room slam, then Bill ram into it. Bill took a step back, pounding at the door with his fists.

"Open this door now, George, or you'll regret it!"

"Bill!" Mrs. Weasley said sharply. Bill glanced up, first shock, then embarrassment coloring his face.

"Sorry, Mum," he mumbled. "But – George – the gnomes -!" He seemed unable to explain, but gesturing at his straggly hair proved enough.

Mrs. Weasley pulled out her wand and motioned for Bill to stay back. She tapped her wand against the door, murmuring, "Alohomora!"

Bill flushed, realizing that he should have thought of that.

The door burst open, revealing George sitting amid a pile of jelly beans. He quickly tried to push the beans out of sight, but his mother was faster: Mrs. Weasley caught George's arm and pulled him toward the stairs.

"You are in big trouble, young man," she said sternly. "Just wait 'til your father hears about this."

"But if I didn't have this pile of jelly beans up here," protested George, "The gnomes would have stolen 'em!"

"So that you could drop them in your older brother's hair!" screeched Mrs. Weasley.

"It wasn't my fault they fell in Bill's hair! I wanted them to fall in Percy's hair! Now I have to watch that movie about the dumb Muggle again for inspiration!" wailed George.

"What dumb Muggle?" asked Bill. Just then, Charlie walked up the stairs.

"He means Mr. Bean," translated Charlie.

"Muggles are a very interesting race," came the voice of Mr. Weasley.

"We know!" shouted Bill.

"Since when do you watch Mr. Bean, George?' demanded Mrs. Weasley.

"Since Dad brought the Muggle Object, the Muggle Object, and the Muggle Object containing the Muggle Object about the dumb Muggle," answered George.

Percy walked up and said in an important voice, "I don't like Mr. Bean. He is too inappropriate for me. And so is Monty Python."

"Monty Python?" wondered Charlie. "Mr. Bean? Who are these guys, aliens from Mars?"

"Actually," announced George, "some people in the Mr. Bean movie said that Mr. Bean was an alien."

"Alright, alright," shouted Mrs. Weasley above the noise.

"Are you singing the song from Alex Rider and Cheaper by the Dozen, Mum?" asked George.

"EVERYONE HERE IS GROUNDED FOR WATCHING MUGGLE SHOWS, NAMELY MR. BEAN, MONTY PYTHON, ALEX RIDER, ALTHOUGH THAT IS A GOOD FILM, AND CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, WHICH COULD BE US IF WE HAD FIVE MORE CRAZY KIDS, WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF MR. WEASLEY OR ME!!!" screamed Mrs. Weasley.

"Okay, so you're definitely _not _singing 'Alright Alright' now, except I can't understand the lyrics of that song because they sing too fast," commented George.

"First the gnomes," sighed Bill, "and now this."

Mrs. Weasley took all of them to spend a day in the local asylum (except for Ron and Ginny, as they were too young, and Fred, who for once was strangely well-behaved). When they returned, the Weasley children were a lot calmer. Mrs. Weasley had also degnomed the garden to stop another 'gnome incident' from occurring.

And to this day, Bill still shudders at the mere mention of garden gnomes.

The End

------------------------------------------


End file.
